[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
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What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
one last job
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.