[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
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MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this