Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)