Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
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Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.