Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
🤣dope
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
lol
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me: