wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
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I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
So true for me
dads on road-trips be like
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.