Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
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“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?