[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
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My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.