I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now