Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.