My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me