“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
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Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her