CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
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Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
This is true.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas