I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
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centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Happy Taco Tuesday
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Boating season is upon us.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The Backseat Boys
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”