I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Damn what did I do next
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see