Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*feels the wind in my toe hair
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door