*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
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3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?