Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂