If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
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At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.