*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
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My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.