If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
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on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”