“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
You Might Also Like
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I love the honesty
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.