On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
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How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
We decided to have money instead of children.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms