[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
That 👊
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.