yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
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[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.