As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?