Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth