[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
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Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
😍😂🥰😂😍
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids