When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
that wasn’t the question
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?