Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
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Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
thank god
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*