The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
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Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Spotted in New Orleans.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.