Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
🏙👨🏼
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.