We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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Care for your back
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son