Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
what are they serving at kfc then???
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
lmfao
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No