it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!