“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
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Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”