me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
North and South
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.