awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”