My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Meme Monday.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.