We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.