Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Wikigenius
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.