I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches