WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
You Might Also Like
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I want what they have
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe