most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
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College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.