Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Ooops wrong house😂😜
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.