FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
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I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
This hospital has everything
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
BRAKING NEWS!!
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot