A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
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going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
This is not me but this is me
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”