*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
You Might Also Like
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.