Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I have obtained a hat
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂