There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
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I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage